This mornings meditation was around intimacy. My struggle to show up. Yet my desire for more. I wonder why I’m blocked?
What lifetime do you need to visit to heal your intimacy issues?
I’m back in the Victorian village. I’m grimy from the days work. I’m lucky if I get to shower in the bucket once a week. I’m tolling over the hot stove, wiping back my greasy hair.
It’s late. Everyone has gone to bed but I’m putting the porridge on for the morning. We are up again at 5am.
My husband hasn’t come home yet. He goes to the inn after work. I finish cleaning up the kitchen and give the porridge one last stir. Then there’s the noise of the metal pail being knocked over. He’s back. He’s home. He stumbles into the kitchen. He’s large and stout. His cheeks are ruddy. His fingernails filthy. He has sawdust in his hair and on his eyelashes from work. He wipes his mouth with his sleeves. He’s dribbling. He’s drunk. He grins at me. My face is stern. He’s walking over to me. I know what he wants. His eyes are glazed but at the same time focused on me. As he gets closer, he lunges at me. He grabs my waist. He stares at my face. I avoid eye contact. He stumbles slightly and then he lunges for my mouth. At the same time he pulls at my dress, he pulls hard. He has me in a vice. He then pulls at his leather belt. His trousers drop. I close my eyes. I know the inevitable is about to happen.
It is here that I realise why I’m blocked in this lifetime, in my relationship. The colour of the rape is murky green. I allow my body to fill with white light and I let it go.
Clear it.
It is done.
So sometimes in allowing your imagination to visit past lives, you are more easily able to identity what is blocking you. Whether or not this past life is true, I do not know and its irrelevant but I am able to conjure up a very vivid image of what is holding me back and therefore what is coming up for healing…
It allows me to step into being empowered and wanting to take control, to initiate rather than being passive in my intimacy.
